A Leap of Un-Faith

There was a time when I thought I would be seventeen forever...and I longed to believe in magic, fairy tales and all things fanciful....but alas.....I had to grow up, to realize magic and fairy-tales are good enough to last on paper. I had been quite spiritually inclined those days, if not religious, and was pretty much a believer in almighty God (who definitely was my best friend, since I am the protagonist in my story right?! I was the best thing that ever happened on earth and of course his favourite child, etc., etc.)....How did the myth shatter? Hmm, that's a tough one, and it didn't happen overnight, it took some years and few jolts of reality to wake this princess up from her sweet dream. I was afraid of sounding cynical, but then being cynical is no crime, although people might say otherwise....Does it  really take courage to be hopeful or is it delusional? Or is it more likely that the cynics are the true brave lot, after all it takes courage to call a spade a spade, right?

The story of my faith started early, when one evening on the eleventh year of my life I suddenly realized while staring at my feet, I had no clue about how I came about or where I would go once the lights go out!!!! I was terrified...it was the most horrifying feeling in the world...like being engulfed in darkness.....so I figured I would need to find out how life came about and how my life fits in the whole deal. There were many explanations, the one I was more inclined towards was evolution (I remember visiting Science City, and being absolutely fascinated about the origins of dinosaurs, the Cretaceous age, etc)...Then came another explanation, which like the story of Pi had some colourful creatures in it and was quite interesting as well. I looked up to few people who strengthened my belief in this story, a person who held a very important spot in my mind and heart, often said that the immortal beings had created mortals to understand themselves, like Aurobindo Ghosh's popular symbol of two inverted triangle or the famous painting of Michelangelo "Creation of Adam", the idea was both human and immortal beings were reaching out to each other through creation...Now the real question is, who created who? That's a tough one indeed...

I have often thought that the whole concept of a higher being and the meaning of one's existence is sort of ironic in the sense on one hand people are surrendering their capability of making any thing, be it good or bad, happen to some other power, for instance something good happens it's His wish, something bad happens likewise, so there is this sense of giving up power to some one or something else, and on the other hand they are making themselves very important in thinking every thing that has happened or is happening to them is not because of chance, it's because they are special, that some power is guiding those events in their life...Now that is a little delusional, at least I think so, but then again I feel I can understand how difficult it is to understand that everything that has happened, in fact my very existence is just by chance, a tad bit of difference in events and I won't exist anymore...So I can understand faith, in fact I have always understood faith but I could never completely accept it....I mean I was spiritually inclined and everything, but there was this nagging bit of doubt hanging about my head which I could never shake off...I guess I wasn't okay with the fact that there were more times that my prayers went unanswered or something completely random happened, and I couldn't really bring myself to say "Oh it's His wish!" ...why would it be his wish to torture me if I am this special that he had this whole life planned for me, didn't make much sense to me...and around this time (I can't exactly pin point when) the doubts were becoming too clear, the voices in my head too hard to ignore, I couldn't bubble wrap myself in faith any more and soon enough the bubble burst when I saw the people who I looked up to, people who gave me such pretty stories about creation and magic were pretty creepy actually in real life....They were liars, delusional and even perverted....and my whole world came crashing....but then I am quite grateful to these creeps since if not for them I couldn't have crossed the line from belief to "disbelief"! I would have been still stuck in my rut, trying to believe in stories I couldn't quite find logical or convincing enough....so far so good...

The problem started after crossing the line when I realized even though I wasn't much of a believer how much I had relied on faith, even to do simple every day stuff...like boarding a plane, who can i pray to for safe landings? or trying for a job ? or most terrifying of it all, sitting in a dentist's chair hoping my doctor could do no wrong? Who can i turn to when i realize there is no one there? and once you have crossed you cannot uncross, the doubts would run too deep, anyhow I had my doubts before but now, not possible, oh no! Well there are good stuffs to "disbelief" as well, looking at a firefly I can breathe deeply and say "Ah, Luciferase!" (The cool yellowish light of fireflies is created by the enzyme luciferase) and not feel like a total geek (which I am, but what the heck!)....earlier I tried to associate fireflies in the garden with magic...I know, I was silly....and the good feelings of love, friendliness and compassion, maybe be ruled by hormones and chemical but does that make them any less beautiful or real? As was in the novel "The life of Pi", we are conflicted between two stories, the one with tiger and the one without, and the choice remains with us to choose which ever one we like remembering this important fact the story is still being discovered, so nothing is set in stone....I am partial to the one with big bang, evolution and no immortal beings, and I am still trying to wrap my mind around that...I still face a lot of hurdles and hiccups, facing my fears is the toughest one there.....so here I am trying to take that leap of "Un-faith" , so lets see where this roads leads....