The "F" word

There are certain words (not necessarily expletives) that people are wary of getting associated with....maybe, the implications, often the stigma attached to such words scare them off....what does it mean to be an atheist, or a leftist, and what not (there are so many such words with ambiguous meanings, like bureaucrats or socialists...ambiguous because people interpret them differently, if not always positively!). For one, I feel if one feels obliged to be called an atheist or a leftist (and whatever else), they should be devoted enough to support the cause and not squirm when faced with negative social rebuttal. I can understand if one doesn't feel the urge to put oneself out there too much, expose themselves or be categorized....but somehow, I feel there are some issues that cannot be ignored.

Now, coming to the word I am somewhat partial to, what does it mean to be a “Feminist”? I am reluctant to admit that a thought from my sister was quite correct, that every one of us is a sexist, in the sense we are biased towards the interest of our sex...but strangely, the word “sexist” has been used increasingly to refer mostly to the male sex....is it because they seem to support each other more than we females do? Or maybe our bias-ness towards our own sex have been depleted slowly and steadily through years of repression brought about by a patriarchal society?  

I have often wondered how come the things that infuriate me, seem to have not much of an effect on some of my female friends....from changing name after marriage, to moving to his parent's place, or quitting a job to raise a family or maybe just to stay with him....why should such things irritate me, I mean caring for one's family or extended kin, can't be that bad..it's just that I have across very rare cases where  a man does these things for a woman, yet a woman is somehow expected to do these things and more...I have nothing but the greatest admiration for home makers, and I know its a hell of a job (and I am very clumsy at any house hold jobs), yet why do more women fall into these categories than men? A guy friend of mine had said some time back, in jest, maybe, that men are more efficient than women, and he went on to argue with questions like how many noble laureates can I name who are women and how many women are more successful than men in any field? I wondered then whom should I direct my anger at, men who say and even believe such things or women who don't seem to care any less if people think them to be inefficient,  incompetent....I mean sometimes we are even referred to as the "fairer", "weaker" sex!!! What does it mean?I don't even know if my anger can be justified into any form of feminism, I just feel alienated at times even from my own sex....maybe that is the worst kind of discrimination, when we women don't stand up for each other.... 

“The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees....”

Words are free it seems, but thoughts are not (a penny for your thought?). Maybe making a list would help to sort out the necessities from luxuries...I have been burdened with the thought of finances lately (even though I stay at home with my folks, so no need to pay rent, most of what I earn I hoard selfishly or spend thoughtlessly!!)....The reason for concern in recent times, can be attributed to my impending nuptials, which would involve paying rent and taking care of the day to day expenses, and what not!!! Therefore my lovingly hoarded hard earned savings would take some serious dent , which doesn't make me too happy...So, lets get back to the list...

first of all,

Love (but isn't that the reason for depletion of resources as well?)

Good times with friends( that too involves a lot of material needs but can be managed, like those good old times in college or in the hostel)

I wanted to include water and air, but water isn't free anymore, and air conditioning isn't free as well..so what else, gosh! Have I run out of things that are free already? Was thinking of listening to music but that requires a nice player, dear me! The end of the list so soon....

Hmm, in a world like the one we live in, money may not buy happiness but can make you happy nevertheless...is that bad? Why should one care for such high and mighty self righteous crap? If a person is driven by ambition and greed, what's the problem with that? The need for more is such a rush at times, more clothes, more jewelry, more of everything...When is enough, really enough? Never, actually, its like a box of chocolates, the more you have the more you want...I am totally a slave to greed and I lust for all things shiny and bright. As long as I make it, meet most if not all of my needs, why should I care, why should anyone care? One can be blissfully selfish and unaware of the rest of the world....but that doesn't work, does it? Basically that has been the major issue, we care, no matter what...money is good if I have someone to share it with....We are not happy with the cake and the bakery, we need to have it, with some one you see....

“Get a good job with more pay and your O.K.

Money it's a gas

Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash

New car, caviar, four star daydream,

Think I'll buy me a football team

Money get back....

I'm all right Jack keep your hands off my stack.

Money it's a hit

Don't give me that do goody good bullshit

I'm in the hi-fidelity first class traveling set

And I think I need a Lear jet”

-Pink Floyd

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." - Lord Alfred Tennyson

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about something which had puzzled me for the most of my life, no make that, baffled me....Although, I had stopped thinking about it for quite a while but recently because of a channel which kept showing rom-coms (romantic comedies), the four lettered word has popped up in my head yet again. So, no brownie points for guessing what might I be talking about....its love, of course and love it is for the next few moments....

Lets start from the beginning then...the first vivid memory of love or something akin to it, was when I stayed up almost all night for a boy, sometime in the eleventh year of my existence. After midnight, when I just couldn't get myself to sleep, I realized, “Oh gosh! This must be love!” This great love of mine lasted for a week or so, after which I could sleep peacefully again...Then after many years of finding, losing and then finding, again, this great realization and all the conflicting emotions of pain, pleasure, agony, ecstasy, and everything profound and silly associated with it, the word itself somehow gradually blended in the background of the daily chaos of my adult life....I became (which I am less inclined to admit) a cynic and this wasn't because of losing one great big love or the so called “love of my life”, no, it was more like realizing the sad fact that nothing really lasts....For a while I was really mad at those people who made such films, wrote such books and poems which reeked of love, it seemed to me they were selling lies.

And then, again, I was hooked. Like an old bad habit, love got me again...this time because of a channel which was silly enough to play rom-coms all day....

The point was, as put very aptly by someone, “Love is a serious business practiced by fools”...its the feeling we love, and sometimes when people hurt us, they make us forget the good part of being in love, and we end up hating the wrong sort of people...so I decided to forgive them, people who made those movies, wrote those stories and poems, since true or not, they felt good....and to enjoy the feeling because it doesn't last.

"love is more thicker than forget

more thinner than recall
more seldom than a wave is wet
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly
and less it shall unbe
than all the sea which only
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win
less never than alive
less bigger than the least begin
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly
and more it cannot die
than all the sky which only
is higher than the sky "

- E.E. Cummings

“It's just a number, baby”

“Time is the longest distance between two places.” 

― Tennessee Williams, The Glass Menagerie

Often while travelling in an auto, I would keep my eyes shut, (to avoid getting spooked by the reckless maneuvering, couldn't call that driving, could one? More like speed racing.) and then jolted by a sudden stop, I would open my eyes to a different place. Time is quite like that, years, decades pass us by and suddenly we realize, oh gosh was it that long ago? This sudden rush of realization never ceases to surprise me, even amaze me. I remember few years ago, when I had just turned the wrong side of twenty (funny terms, right or left would be more apt rather than right or wrong, wouldn't you say?), I would embarrassingly forget my age, what was it now, 22 or 23, oh wait 25? The mistake was genuine unlike what some people would like to believe, its just that the concept of age confuses me....it's like the auto ride behind closed eyes, I would feel the motion but not the distance. Now that I have stayed on the wrong side for quite a while, I can relate to being 25 or 26 or was it 28? And then there are birthdays ( which I love by the way, the whole deal with cakes and balloons!), I would often take a month or two to get used to the new number which would define me for the most part of the year ahead, so that I can avoid making an honest mistake of admitting to a number which defined me just a day before  the birthday, and wouldn't get reprimanded or scorned or just corrected which would, of course lead to a fresh bout of embarrassment! So what is it about age that is so terribly time consuming and obsessive? How much of a difference can a year make to this chronological number of my existence?

Before attempting to answer this “profound” question, I would like to talk about another equally confused and embarrassing take on time and the “ageing” associated with it....Recently I have realized people are as perplexed about my age as I am, which instead of being comforting can be strangely unsettling at times. I would recount this incident which had taken place a while ago as an example. I was travelling in a bus this time, and I was really bored, suddenly I noticed a very cute guy and he was looking in my way as well. We struck up a conversation and it was pleasant enough till we got around to talk about where he was heading. It was then I realized, he couldn't be much older than my little sister!!! I even mentioned that hoping he would prove me wrong, but oh no, he was a good six years younger!!! We were about to exchange phone numbers when this shocking revelation hit us, and he gave me his email id instead....oh well!

Another string of embarrassing incidents took place in Macau, China this year. I was asked to produce my pass port to the guard at the casino of the Venetian Macau, every time I tried to gain entry!! The age limit was 21!!! My friends commented it must be very flattering, is it really? Every time, we (my little sister and I) went to the casino, we were promptly thwarted and asked for age proof! Initially I blamed it on my sister, maybe sticking with her was confusing the guards, creating the illusion of youth....then I made the trip with my father, and yes I was stopped again...this time in his attempt to make things better (or worse), my father explained "She is 30!" and I was mortified. "I am 29!!" I retorted, but the moment was lost....so does it make a difference now, since I am moving on to the right side of thirty?! 

Right or not, time does move us, but where, I cannot say....maybe eventually, its the journey that matters not the distance or the destination.

“How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon. December is here before it's June. My goodness how the time has flown. How did it get so late so soon?” 

― Dr. Seuss

Jitters of a common kind

116 days....3 months, 25 days from today....(I am not counting days, there's an web page that does it for you!). From one side of the wall to another...I wonder how I feel....

Thoughts from the unattached-not-really-thinking-of-marriage-side:

It was just last year when I had been fed up with all the silly updates of my friends and acquaintances getting married and having babies, people asking when would I be tying the knot, my mum wondering if at all!! and some well meaning friends telling me “boyesh chole jabey” ( you would not be young forever...a very crude translation, now I understand the phrase “lost in translation”)...And I would end up wondering where would my youth go? I would keep thinking about something a friend of mine had said long back....wouldn't it be great if you just date and then go back home, spend as much time as you need and return to the solace of your room!!! Awesome, wouldn't that be? I love being by myself, sharing my space doesn't seem very appealing to me yet what about the fact my youth might be running away and I might end up alone, old and with lots of cats (that's not too bad, but then there had been stories of old ladies dead in the apartment, eaten by cats, Ouch!!)...So there I was wondering what should be done....There was of course, some subtle hints from my “better” half, who was getting a bit restless waiting for me to take a turn for the “better” so to say....

I had considered all the options, living with one of my best friends, she would have her own room and her own space...and we could do what we like, yet could turn to each other for company in times of need, adopt cute babies someday......not too bad an option, maybe the cats would be intimidated  by two old ladies...but she doesn't like pets (which wasn't why things didn't work out!).....to maybe living on my own....travelling and working maybe....gradually, I started feeling a little out of place.....yet I still wasn't sure about making such a big commitment...I mean “marriage”....What was so terrible about the word and everything it entitled, well, living with a friend for life doesn't seem such a bad option but does it really end there? What about parents? It's strange how much like a teenager I still feel around anyone's parents, nothing against them, wonderful people but a bit too much at times, don't you think? So, I would end up with two sets of parents, and more of an adolescent as I am now...not too good....

“Possibilities are like cancer. The more [you] think about them, the more they multiply, and there's no way to stop them.”-Murakami

The Transition to the okay-lets-get-married-side:

I can't even remember when I changed my mind, it must have been gradual, and of course the realization that my “better” half is actually a better person than me (sad but true!)...and there was this sense of not fitting any where somehow between my married friends and my unhappy-with-boys friends....and the fact that solitude has a way of turning into loneliness, creeping on the senses insidiously....

Then one fine day, I took a deep breath and decided to take the leap....how do I feel now, no doubts, no regrets? Well, all I can say is the transition was rough, now I am more at peace but doubts and questions would remain, since...

“Life is so uncertain: you never know what could happen. One way to deal with that is to keep your pajamas washed.”- Murakami.

" We can be heroes just for one day..."

" It has always seemed strange to me. The things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism, and self-interest, are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first, they love the produce of the second. " - John Steinbeck

Who are the heroes and the anti-heroes in our system? And yes, in a society that thrives on parasitic abilities and self serving individuals, do we need heroes? Before delving into this dilemma, lets talk about superheroes, for fun, maybe? Of course, those of us geeky enough to like superheroes (I know I am!). For people who are in favour of Superman, I have go to admit, I never liked the dude much. I thought him rather silly and uptight....and that ridiculous underwear what's with that?!! But the last scene from the movie, "Kill Bill Vol. 2 ", changed my notion a bit and recently Henry Cavill (Oh my!) changed it quite a bit. Although, I still find him silly....Coming back to the point, in the last scene from the movie, Bill explains to the Bride (Uma Thurman), why he likes Superman the best...Every superhero, we know of, Spider man, Batman, the Hulk, etc., are not born to power...They acquire it, through family fortune and intellect in vast measure, as for Batman, radioactive exposure for the Hulk and spider bite from a genetically enhanced species, for Spider man ( Although that's a tricky and novel way of gene transfer, I must say, a bite indeed!!). Now we have Superman, who is an alien, Kal-El, and he is born to power. It's his alter ego, Clark Kent, whom he creates to hide his true identity, and not the other way round as for the rest....Spider man who is born Peter Parker, Batman, Bruce Wayne and The Hulk, Dr. Banner. As Uma Thurman says, "Aso. The Point emerges...".
Superman's alter ego Clark Kent, is his critique on the human race, he is selfish,weak and a coward ( lets use a better word, cautious, from now on?). Coming back to the "borrowed" words of John Steinbeck, is it really a critique on the human race? Or, is superman, a critique on society? It's in our genes to be self preserving and cautious...so what place does a hero hold in a system like ours? In the comic book store, maybe? But then why glorify the hero, why not the villain, the arch-enemy, who is more akin to us? Why the hero, indeed....is it an extension of our pleasure seeking ego? We like to think ourselves noble, honest, generous and whatever other uptight quantitative! So I say, John Steinbeck got it so right....Society needs its heroes (and the anti-heroes, but that would always be the subtext, wouldn't it?)

“To be or not to be”

Now I get it, why vampires, werewolves and super heroes are such a rage! Why wouldn't anyone trade this frail, mortality which includes eating (which is mostly good), crapping (need I say more?) puking (!!!) and other horrid stuffs (going to the dentist! Oh my god, the horror!) for an immortal existence excluding all this mostly for vampires and aliens like superman (or does he need to go through such stuffs as well?). Werewolves would need to use the loo like humans, but aren't they blessed with super speed so they could possibly rush through the disgusting stuff!! So what is beautiful about mortality and of course, I forgot, these creatures can avoid the most devastating part of this earthly existence, death. One can speak of boredom, I mean a point in favour of mortality could be that anything which is short may not be sweet but most likely be intense and exciting, a long drawn pause of an existence must be tedious or so we assume...so I suppose a person living forever would come to respect life and everything associated with it, less and less as time goes by, becoming more nonchalant and jaded (like the protagonist from the movie “Man from Earth”). While a mortal having a life span of seventy years maybe would try to make the best of his/her life, or so we assume (this is of course a general statement, some people become bored even when they are twenty, so !) ... But then a longer life would mean more time to enjoy life rather than to rush through it, so much more time to see, learn, the possibilities are endless, maybe travel all around the world, read every book, taste every wine....well the arguments could go on and on...I wonder for someone like me (an ordinary earthling), would I regret anything I couldn't do since I had run out of time on my death bed or maybe I would be too tired to care?

“Round and round we go, or is it up and down?

Oh but there's so much more, much more!

Everything passes they say,

Of course they would, they have lived most of what I haven't lived passed today.

Yet I dislike when they sympathize,

As if that could soothe, and help me get rid of this vice!

So up and down we go, or round about...

Till I am dizzy but there's more, so much more!”